with myself.

There is no worse feeling than being ashamed to exist. That’s NOT OKAY. Sometimes, I feel…wait, NOT feel…I am very aware, that everything I do or say has the potential to piss you off and aggravates you to no end. I am all too aware of my numerous flaws and knowing that, I try to circumvent my own BS  so that I am not too much of an aggravation. I try to balance my own shortcomings with thoughtful and good things just for stability. I have had relationships with people who are generally like me, and there is just acceptance, acknowledgement, and a sense of humor: “Sheesh…here I go again…putting the MORE in Moron!!”

Being in a relationship with an earthling, when you are me, is always a minefield. Judgement. Usually mine. Judging myself. Frustration. Legitimate frustration.  On their part. Then you have to separate what is your BS and what is their BS. And honestly, a shitty day makes everyone crankier, intolerant, and frustrated. However, I have learned that I did not get out of my incredibly toxic, effed up marriage so that I could go through life on my knees apologizing for my existence. I can only keep trying to improve, having learned that comparing myself to “normal humans” is not only a huge wave of shittiness and SO incredibly unhealhy, but ultimately it becomes self destructive. Major conflict there. I can only compare myself to myself, where I used to be. Many feel this is a cop-out or excuse. I have been taught that with effort, practice makes PROGRESS. I really hope this works out.

What do I like about me? A whole bunch of crap.  How much about me is a pain in my own ass? A whole bunch of crap. There you have it.

Shame and guilt. These things will absolutely kill and devastate a person. Most reasons we do anything is because “It seemed like a good idea at the time,” or “It eased the unbearable pain.” So, I reason with myself. At least I try. I tell myself every day, “Please try to be compassionate toward yourself. Much like you would to someone you care deeply about. What you say to yourself would be considered abuse if you said it to someone else.” In my experiences, I have never seen hammering someone’s flaws has ever done anything but tear them down. I try to build people up, not tear them down. Why is this concept so difficult to remember when I am dealing with myself?

Enlightenment. I care less about being normal than I do about being healthy, happy, and GOOD. This entails swimming upstream a lot of the time. Hard. Not easy at all. And definitely not comfortable. But I know what I know.

I have much more experience at being crazy than I have had at being well. And whole. Strange? Maybe. But that’s between me and me.

Is it worth it? DUH! You have to learn. And build a core. A self. But HELL YEAH! It’s worth it.

I try to understand these things to help my own peace of mind (such as it is), and 99.9% of the time, it is absolutely true.

People just don’t know how the hell to act sometimes; they just do what occurs to them in their head to do. And many times, people feel shitty about themselves. Truth.

Any time you invest in working on yourself, it pays off a thousandfold. A MILLIONFOLD. And you can learn…learn how to deal with people pleasantly and effectively. Especially when dealing with self. And when you try, you see it works.  Very well, in fact.

Just reflecting.

Because people really act like total wackjobs sometimes. Myself included…or maybe that should read “Myself mostly.” One of those.

I’m really glad I have the ability to learn and apply these things. Now, I have to work on doing it. 

Reality bites. Self actualization is a process. This is truthful. At least for me.

Here’s hoping…hoping this will help shed some light on why I am who I am. Me, in general.