Sitting in a drive thru waiting my turn causes my palms to sweat, my heart rate to increase, and an overwhelming amount of anxiety and creeping dread to fill my senses. I have used drive thrus for most of my life and for most of my life, these have been uneventful moments in time. About a year or so ago, I spontaneously pulled into the local Mickey D’s drive thru to pick up lunch for the girls and me. Without much thought, I pulled up to the place where you give your order and the Mickey D’s employee, who happened to have a rather strong Hispanic accent, recited back what I just said. I was only half paying attention because I am hearing impaired and between the overall garbledness of those speakers and the accent of the employee reciting, I knew that I wouldn’t understand a word of it.

I knew that when I got face-to-face, I would ask her if she could repeat it again in hopes that if there was a problem or issue, I could read her lips and catch it. I did this and sure enough, it was not correct. Whether that was my fault or hers, I do not know. What happened next, however, there was no denying who was at fault. I explained politely that the order was wrong and I began slowly repeating the correct order. Before I could finish, she stopped me and began screaming at me. What she said, I have no idea. But from the tone, she was berating me for correcting her at the window instead of paying attention and correcting her when I first placed the order. I sat there in silence. A bit stunned. My entire life did not lead up to this moment so I could deal with a surly drive thru McBitch. OR DID IT???

Recently, I have had a lot of problems with depth perception. Especially when I am driving. When making left hand turns, I cannot tell how fast cars are approaching me. I often sit there for entirely too long trying to ensure that I have ample time to make my turn to avoid being hit by an oncoming vehicle. It first started at night. The headlights blinded me. Over time, I have begun to notice that it happens during the daytime now, too.  I’ve been known to drive past the left hand turn and turn around and come back just to avoid it altogether. Sometimes though, I just shrug it off and remind myself that it is better to be safe than sorry. I figured it isn’t the end of the world. And it isn’t like I sit there for an hour waiting for the perfect opportunity. I simply do not take the chances that I once took when I had better perception.

Since moving to Atlanta, I’ve noticed that I have begun to catch a lot of grief from other drivers. They lay down on their horns, yell, and throw up hand gestures. The other day, I was sitting in the turning lane and had a car literally swerve close enough to rattle my nerves and yell something out the window. Luckily…I am hearing impaired which I mentioned earlier…and that helps because I am clueless when it comes to what is said. I sat in that turning lane for a few more seconds trying to regain my composure and I thought to myself…my entire life did not lead up to this moment so I could deal with this impatient jackass. OR DID IT???

About a week or so ago, I was standing in line at Walgreens to pay for the items that I had run in to get. I had patiently waited my turn while in line. It was rather busy that day and there was a line formed behind me. When it came time for me to pay, I struggled to get my debit card out of my wallet. I was struggling because my fine motor skills aren’t what they once were and my fingers have a mind of their own. They do not always work the way they are supposed to and they usually do this at the most inopportune times. This being one of them. I got frazzled and this doesn’t help my cause any either.

Being my own worse critic, I was already chastising myself in my head. My hands began shaking and that made things a hundred times worse. I apologized to the cashier and to the people behind me. I saw the sympathetic smiles that I got in return. They didn’t help. Then I heard it. A guy somewhere behind me let loose on a tangent. About that time, I had gotten my debit card free and swiped it as quickly as I could. I was so shaken that it took me several attempts to get my PIN number correct. All the while I could hear this guy behind me huffing and puffing and grumbling. I was embarrassed and ashamed. I had a similar situation at a gas station a few days before then when I was having difficulty grabbing coins out of my wallet. My fingers chose again that moment to quit working. And again, I dealt with the groaning and moaning of a guy who obviously had more important things to do than to show someone a little patience and understanding. Both of these times, I again realized that my entire life did not lead up to this moment so I could deal with indignant oafs. OR DID IT???

The answer to this question for all three of these scenarios is an emphatic “YES!” I was born with a birth defect although it took me 40 years to get a diagnosis. I have a Chiari I Malformation. I was born this way. After suffering a catastrophic injury, I sent this disorder into a progressively worsening symptomatic status. In addition, I suffered a severe brain injury. My brain has shifted into one side of my skull. My brain stem is tilted and the tonsils of my brain have become deeply impacted in the opening at the base of my skull and laterally across my brain stem. This is the reason for my hearing loss. This is the reason that I do not have the ability to determine depth perception. This is the reason that my fingers don’t always work the way that they are supposed to work.

These are only a few examples of the kind of stuff I deal with on a daily basis. It’s enough for you to get an idea although I could sit here and type out dozens of scenarios. The reason I believe people are so harsh is because people like me do not look sick. I look just as normal as the next person. Therefore, I do not look “brain damaged” even though I could show MR images to prove otherwise. I could show reports that detail the extent of the damage. I don’t carry these around with me, nor should I have to go to such extremes.

Life has taught me that I simply need to forgive these people because they do not understand. I cannot hold a grudge. I cannot get mad. That hurts no one but me in the long run. At the end of the day, these people don’t care what I think about them. They probably never give me a second thought after they have behaved badly and have gotten on with the rest of their day. I doubt that lady at Mickey D’s went home and lamented over me not getting my order right. The jackass that scared me on Roswell Road by swerving like he was going to hit me probably didn’t give me another thought after he’d traveled a mile down the road. The guy at Walgreens and the guy at the gas station had probably already forgotten about me by the time I reached the doors of those two places and walked through to my car.

I thought about it though. For days. For weeks. For over a year. I am still thinking about those situations I found myself in. Not because I am angry but to remind myself that I have a brain disorder. I’m not as good as I once was. I need to learn my limitations. Most importantly, I’ve learned that I must forgive. If I can’t forgive these people, then Chiari wins. The brain damage wins. And if that happens, I lose. I become a bitter, nasty, angry person. My entire life DID lead up to these moments. My entire life I have been learning and gathering the tools necessary to learn how to cope in situations just like these. I have spent my entire life becoming who I am today. How I deal with moments like this prove my character. And it proves to me that I am in this to fight. Chiari can take away my hearing, my vision, my ability to walk, talk, and use my hands…but it can’t take away me. I won’t let it. I’m in this fight to win. I will never settle for less than that. Ever.

My lesson to others: Learn a little tolerance, people. Embrace differences. If we were all the same, what a boring world it would be. Learning that not everyone is the same should be easy, but I have found that isn’t true. Don’t believe me? Look around you. There is more intolerance, hate, and prejudice around us than should be. If we all learn to try and understand this one thing, it would be a much better world for all of us. Learn that you don’t always know what is going on with another person. Learn that tolerance will make your day brighter. Tolerance will decrease your stress levels. It will make you a kinder, gentler person. A little tolerance can go a long, long way. Remember that.

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